Just a vent.

I've had this stirring around in my mind for quite too long. As usual, I don't tend to blog as quickly as topics come to my mind.

The older I get, the more confidently I settle into who I am, and have no problem with transparency. You see. With that said...I have a disease, and I'm not afraid or ashamed to talk about it.

Some people are born with bodies unable to utilize ingested glucose properly.
They have diabetes.

Some people have spasms in the bronchi of their lungs, making it difficult for them to breath.
They have asthma.

Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brains.
They have depression.

I have depression.

It's a disease just like asthma, just like diabetes. A physical ailment. Something I have no control over. It doesn't matter how many happy thoughts I think. It doesn't matter if I "get out". It will still linger over like a dark cloud.Yet it's not recognized by the masses as such. People who have never experienced it, can not relate. I know this because I have had conversations with people who couldn't even understand the Abilify commercial. "It literally HURTS?! How is that possible!?" they say. YES. A pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Inside, deep within your mind, and your body. Yet, for those whose minds produce exorbent amounts of endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin (those 'always happy' people) they don't understand.

As I was going through an episode months ago, my thoughts started to go someplace scary. A place that freaks me out when they go there. Then it hit the news.

Frank Warren's son had committed suicide.
I understood. 

I understood the pain of depression. The absolute Hell is can be. The seemingly prison you are living in, when you are innocent of any crime.

One of the things I hate the most, is when people say a person committing suicide is selfish. Having been there, having felt that sort of pain, I disagree. When you want someone to continue on in their pain for the benefit of you having them present, who is the selfish one?

If you are at a party and someone gets their leg cut off. Do you ask them to stay at your party, even though they are dying in pain from their missing leg?! (gruesome, I know, just trying to make a point)Yet, they get called selfish when they decide to do something to stop the pain.

None of that begins to even scratch the surface of my point here. The pangs this brings me, has nothing to do with the pain I feel. I've become more empathetic and sensitive towards others through my own pain. It has had a tremendous affect on making me the person I am, and there is help for sufferers. There is medicine. There is hope.

What pangs me the most of this disease, is my reflection of Christ.

Too many times has "Look at my life, look at this pain, look at my unhappiness, sadness and discontent, this torture. I'm not the happy all day every day person. If this is my life with Christ, who would want this?! I am the worst spokesperson for Jesus" crossed my mind.

And yes, I've come to terms that this is a life long battle. Just as diabetes is with some. Just as asthma is with others. I will take measures to control it as best I can, whether that's medicine God has gifted someone with the knowledge to invent or therapy through someone given the ability to help others in that way.

What I do know, is that I'm not weak. I'm not a wallflower. I'm not a negative, sad person. Through every bit of sadness God has brought me through, He has made me strong, I've had hope in Him. I hope that's what people see. I hope people see perseverance I have not on my own accord attained. Mostly I hope that people see Christ in how He has helped me, not a lack of Christ in my weakness.  That they look to Jesus for the story of Christianity and not broken human beings.

Mostly, I wish humans would stop thinking there is one default type of human being and we are all the same. We are all different in our own special way, with our own hurts, our own problems. Not a single one is perfect. The quicker the world starts to realize that, the quicker we will start to live in harmony with one another.

I have no idea the point of this. Just a vent, a release of thoughts that have been stirring in my mind. Thanks for reading if you got this far. :)

Jeremy Camp & Gangsta Rap Remix

...yeah, doesn't sound good to me either.
A lesson on noisy distractions

The weather has finally started to warm up and I am SO excited about that! Excited for windows down, music bumpin', drivin' down the road feelin' that good 'ole fresh air on my face!

So naturally, that's what I did last night. I went to Walgreen's to pick up this adorable picture I had printed of my first niece! I'm such a proud aunt!


 

Isn't she adorable!? Such a thinker already! I want to squish her cheeks now!!

 



 Now, where was I?
 
Oh yes, windows down, K-Love bumpin' on the stereo system, wind on my face.... I pull up to a red light and bring my car to a stop. A few seconds later, my car starts to shake!
Is it from an earthquake?
No.
Is a tornado coming?
No.
Is the Hulk shaking my car?!
No.
Is the girl who stopped next to me bumpin' her gangsta rap 20 times louder than I am bumpin' my Jesus tunes?
YES.

Jeremy Camp's "Walk by Faith" had just started to play on my radio, when I totally checked out. I started listening to this deafening music coming from the speaker's of the car next to me. I don't even know if I should call it music. It was NOISE. LOUD NOISE. I can be the nosy type, and I was  trying to listen to the lyrics of the song this girl was playing, trying to get a feel for what she was listening to. Trying to figure out what she hears in this music that makes it worth listening to. What emotions does this strike up for her? As my ear leaned closer to "the noise" my ear drew further away from "Walk by Faith". The louder the noise, the softer more distant "Walk by Faith" became.  I tried to focus back on "Walk by Faith" yet I still heard "the noise".  I tried to focus on both at the same time, that was impossible. Both of them mixed together, sounded like a jumbled up mess! If there is a word for a notch above noise....that's what that sounded like!

It was:

babble, bewailing,

boisterousness, clamor,

 clang, discord,

disquiet, fuss,

 jangle, tumult, turbulence.

(props to thesaurus.com)

 

IT WAS A HOT MESS.

 

And then ...in an instant....with "noise girl" still next to me...it was as if the whole world suddenly got quiet, not a decibel of sound to be heard, that really special place, where God speaks to you so softly.

 

That happened. My lesson happened. It clicked.

 

 

How often in our lives, do we let ourselves get distracted by "noise". How often, do we let "noise" pull our attention away from God? How often do we give our full attention to "noise" and miss out on what God has for us in that moment? How often do we try to make "noise" and "Walk by Faith" work together in perfect harmony, when we know it is just a hot mess?

 

The world we live in today is full of noise and it can be almost impossible to avoid sometimes. We have the noise of the media, calling girls to be a size 0 and be flawless to be considered beautiful. Leaving us to feel not good enough and unworthy. The noise of money and wealth as a measurement of success in our lives. The noise of a busy schedule distracting us from spending quality time with the Lord.

 

I've been completely distracted by noise the past few weeks. So distracted to where I just mentally gave up.

No desire to pray.

 No desire to talk to God.

 No desire to read the Bible.

So I didn't do any of them.

 

 I was zoned in and focused on the base bumpin' noise comin' out of a shaky car. (Really though, it's amazing I was actually listening to K-Love yesterday) I was focused on the laundry list of everything going wrong in my life. Focused on the stress. On the  to-do lists. Focused on past hurts. Focused on mean people. So focused on things that don't matter, I lost focus of the things that do.

 

This was my wake up call.

 

It's inevitable that this will happen. We are human and aren't perfect. Life is hard, we were promised that. Distractions and noise will definitely come. It's my prayer for you and for me that  in the moments we get distracted by "the noise", we are able to recognize them, have friends to gently keep us accountable and pray for us when we can't even pray for ourselves, and quickly turn our focus back to the truths of God. To also, not attempt to live in harmony with noise, to not be a lukewarm Christian. To love God with your whole heart, mind and soul (Luke 10:27). You'll never know what you might miss out on. Is it coincidental that I missed out on these specific lyrics, missed out on what I needed, missed out on what God was trying to tell me, when I was distracted by "the noise"....

 



 Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

 

Nope. God's not coincidental, he is planned and deliberate.

"Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand" Psalm 37:24

In what ways have you been distracted by noise? What helps you to refocus on God's truth?

Best Valentine's Day Ever.

Even without a boyfriend...

I did not have a Valentine this Valentine's Day. I did not have a boyfriend. Someone to give a special gift to. Someone to go to dinner with. Someone to celebrate the holiday with. To receive flowers from (although, there was the call from the security desk while I was at work, telling me I had a package to pick up....they called the wrong person -- that's neither here nor there)

So by any normal set of female standards, my reaction to the impeding holiday should have been this:
 

 

 

or this...

 

or this...

 

 

And maybe any other Valentine's Day from spent without a "special someone" I might have felt like this. This year however was much different and this is how I truly felt:

 

 

Because I have had plenty of awkward Valentine's Days. I've spent the holiday going out to dinner, having received a gift, a silly card, maybe some candy and in return given a gift (that I spent hours worrying about). It was just going through the motions. Fulfilling an obligation to celebrate the day that our society has placed on us. Was there love? No. Just pure awkwardness. (says a lot about my previous dating choices) It was not lovey dovey perfection like that of which Hallmark markets with their greeting cards. They should add a disclaimer: LOVEY DOVEYNESS NOT INCLUDED

 

This Valentine's day however was different. It was full of LOVE. Isn't that what it's about? LOVE. Love can not be boxed into "a boyfriend/girlfriend". You can't associate LOVE solely on a boyfriend-girlfriend-spouse. Love comes from all sorts of different places!! This year, I recognized that and soaked every ounce of it up.

 

I recognized it when I woke up in the morning. Looking outside at creation and knowing the God who created the heavens and the earth loves ME more than anything. Knowing I always have that deep love was enough to get me through the day. It's always enough.

 

I recognized love when I went to have lunch with my Little at her school, and was blown away by classroom of 5th graders. Surrounded by their sweet innocence. She and her classmates made me feel more welcome than anyone my age ever has. They made me laugh, they gave me Valentine candy, they performed African dance for me,  they all hugged me when I left. These kids, made me feel so special and loved.

My Little did NOT want to take a picture! haha

Breakfast for lunch on a school tray!

All the candy I got from the sweethearts!

 

I recognized love when talking to friends throughout the day. Their love is so overwhelmingly beautiful. I couldn't ask for better friends. God has truly blessed me.

 

I was brought to tears when I opened my front door to leave and the most beautiful, vibrant, colorful, breathtaking, skyfilling sunset hit me in the face. It was as if God, instead of placing a dozen red roses on my doorstep, threw that up special just for me at that very moment.

 



This picture does not do the sunset justice at all.

At the end of the day, I hesitantly walked into Panera ALONE (fearing people would judge the single girl grabbing takeout). I came home, and as I sat --- alone --- eating my taking takeout --- with only the sounds of the movie playing on TV, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

 

There I was more alone on Valentine's Day than ever before, yet filled with more Love on Valentine's Day than any other Valentine's Day before.

 

I fell asleep so blessed, so thankful for all the love in my life. Love I know some people never experience. 

 

And dear husband, don't you worry, my heart is so filled with love for you right now. You crossed my mind so much on this day. Not in a sad way, but in an exciting way! I love you so much already, and I can't wait for one day to celebrate our love together on this day and many more!

 

Love you guys!!!