Just a vent.

I've had this stirring around in my mind for quite too long. As usual, I don't tend to blog as quickly as topics come to my mind.

The older I get, the more confidently I settle into who I am, and have no problem with transparency. You see. With that said...I have a disease, and I'm not afraid or ashamed to talk about it.

Some people are born with bodies unable to utilize ingested glucose properly.
They have diabetes.

Some people have spasms in the bronchi of their lungs, making it difficult for them to breath.
They have asthma.

Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brains.
They have depression.

I have depression.

It's a disease just like asthma, just like diabetes. A physical ailment. Something I have no control over. It doesn't matter how many happy thoughts I think. It doesn't matter if I "get out". It will still linger over like a dark cloud.Yet it's not recognized by the masses as such. People who have never experienced it, can not relate. I know this because I have had conversations with people who couldn't even understand the Abilify commercial. "It literally HURTS?! How is that possible!?" they say. YES. A pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Inside, deep within your mind, and your body. Yet, for those whose minds produce exorbent amounts of endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin (those 'always happy' people) they don't understand.

As I was going through an episode months ago, my thoughts started to go someplace scary. A place that freaks me out when they go there. Then it hit the news.

Frank Warren's son had committed suicide.
I understood. 

I understood the pain of depression. The absolute Hell is can be. The seemingly prison you are living in, when you are innocent of any crime.

One of the things I hate the most, is when people say a person committing suicide is selfish. Having been there, having felt that sort of pain, I disagree. When you want someone to continue on in their pain for the benefit of you having them present, who is the selfish one?

If you are at a party and someone gets their leg cut off. Do you ask them to stay at your party, even though they are dying in pain from their missing leg?! (gruesome, I know, just trying to make a point)Yet, they get called selfish when they decide to do something to stop the pain.

None of that begins to even scratch the surface of my point here. The pangs this brings me, has nothing to do with the pain I feel. I've become more empathetic and sensitive towards others through my own pain. It has had a tremendous affect on making me the person I am, and there is help for sufferers. There is medicine. There is hope.

What pangs me the most of this disease, is my reflection of Christ.

Too many times has "Look at my life, look at this pain, look at my unhappiness, sadness and discontent, this torture. I'm not the happy all day every day person. If this is my life with Christ, who would want this?! I am the worst spokesperson for Jesus" crossed my mind.

And yes, I've come to terms that this is a life long battle. Just as diabetes is with some. Just as asthma is with others. I will take measures to control it as best I can, whether that's medicine God has gifted someone with the knowledge to invent or therapy through someone given the ability to help others in that way.

What I do know, is that I'm not weak. I'm not a wallflower. I'm not a negative, sad person. Through every bit of sadness God has brought me through, He has made me strong, I've had hope in Him. I hope that's what people see. I hope people see perseverance I have not on my own accord attained. Mostly I hope that people see Christ in how He has helped me, not a lack of Christ in my weakness.  That they look to Jesus for the story of Christianity and not broken human beings.

Mostly, I wish humans would stop thinking there is one default type of human being and we are all the same. We are all different in our own special way, with our own hurts, our own problems. Not a single one is perfect. The quicker the world starts to realize that, the quicker we will start to live in harmony with one another.

I have no idea the point of this. Just a vent, a release of thoughts that have been stirring in my mind. Thanks for reading if you got this far. :)