Daddy's Arms

Whoa. Like whoa. I haven't blogged in a long...long...while...

I've been too busy shmoozin' with the Prodigal son. Anger towards God. Doubt about God. Confusion at God. Feelings of abandonment. The hurts during this period ran too deep.

I lost focus. I lost the ability to learn all my lessons. The ability God gave me to see everything as an analogy to learn from was gone.

A few months ago I stumbled into a situation. It didn't quite dawn on me how deep the message of it was until weeks after It happened.

So the story goes...

It was a week before Halloween. I had gone to my local Lowe's to buy some PVC pipe to make goggles for my Minion costume!

Be Doo! Be Doo!

I paid for my items, said my pleasantries to the cashier and started for the sliding doors. As I was walking out I noticed a little boy about 4 years old, adorable as they come, headed out the sliding doors towards the parking lot as well.

Sure that sounds pretty normal. Except this little boy had gigantic crocodile tears streaming from his face, no parent/adult/guardian in sight. In his little toddler crying-yelling-voice "Daddy! Daddy!!"

He was lost. He was confused. He was scared. He was lonely. He was afraid. Without his Daddy.

It was heartbreaking!

I bent down to his level to help guide him back into the safety of the store away from the dangers of a parking lot. A parking lot full of fast cars, flying shopping carts, and people who aren't paying attention. A parking lot where he could have been seriously injured.

Dad wasn't too far away and they were quickly reunited.

In a matter of seconds, the tears stopped. Dad picked him up, held him tight and kissed him on the cheek. Welcoming him with open arms. My favorite part of the entire situation is what came next.

What came out of  Dad's mouth so sincerely, so fluidly, so lovingly to his son.

"I missed you! I was so scared! I didn't know where you were!"

There was no correcting in a harsh tone:
"Don't you ever run away from me again!!"
"What did I tell you about wandering off!"
"You are in big trouble!"
"I told you not to walk away!"
"I'm going to punish you for this"

It was pure compassion. It was pure love. It was welcoming him back with wide open arms.

When this happened it brightened my day. I felt like I did my good deed. Helping a kid from being run over in the parking lot, and reuniting him with dad. I was a hero!

Never could I imagine how it would minister to my soul a few weeks later. How God would softly whisper into the cracks of my soul and remind me of that situation. Remind me that He loves me just in the way that Dad loved his little boy. Without condemnation. Without record of wrong. The love of Corinthians 13. That's how he loves ALL of us.

For the past while I was like that little boy.

I was lost. I was confused. I was scared. I was lonely. I was afraid. I was without my Daddy.

I was quickly on my way into a parking lot full of speeding cars. Life is funny in that way. Life, God, the Universe...it'ss funny, just as you are about to walk into destruction's path it has a way of correcting you.

I don't know what one thing did it. But one night I found myself in prayer, in worship, completely enveloped in the feeling of Love when the circumstances surrounding my life shouldn't have had me feeling Love in any capacity at all.

That little boy was the prodigal son.
I'm the prodigal son.
We are all the prodigal son.

And we are ALL so very very immeasurably LOVED.

And when we run away, God welcomes us back. With loving, open, grace-full, mercy-full, relentless love that is unmatched by anything on this planet.

^20-21 “When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’

^22-24 “But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time.

-Luke 15:20-14 MSG

Just a vent.

I've had this stirring around in my mind for quite too long. As usual, I don't tend to blog as quickly as topics come to my mind.

The older I get, the more confidently I settle into who I am, and have no problem with transparency. You see. With that said...I have a disease, and I'm not afraid or ashamed to talk about it.

Some people are born with bodies unable to utilize ingested glucose properly.
They have diabetes.

Some people have spasms in the bronchi of their lungs, making it difficult for them to breath.
They have asthma.

Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brains.
They have depression.

I have depression.

It's a disease just like asthma, just like diabetes. A physical ailment. Something I have no control over. It doesn't matter how many happy thoughts I think. It doesn't matter if I "get out". It will still linger over like a dark cloud.Yet it's not recognized by the masses as such. People who have never experienced it, can not relate. I know this because I have had conversations with people who couldn't even understand the Abilify commercial. "It literally HURTS?! How is that possible!?" they say. YES. A pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Inside, deep within your mind, and your body. Yet, for those whose minds produce exorbent amounts of endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin (those 'always happy' people) they don't understand.

As I was going through an episode months ago, my thoughts started to go someplace scary. A place that freaks me out when they go there. Then it hit the news.

Frank Warren's son had committed suicide.
I understood. 

I understood the pain of depression. The absolute Hell is can be. The seemingly prison you are living in, when you are innocent of any crime.

One of the things I hate the most, is when people say a person committing suicide is selfish. Having been there, having felt that sort of pain, I disagree. When you want someone to continue on in their pain for the benefit of you having them present, who is the selfish one?

If you are at a party and someone gets their leg cut off. Do you ask them to stay at your party, even though they are dying in pain from their missing leg?! (gruesome, I know, just trying to make a point)Yet, they get called selfish when they decide to do something to stop the pain.

None of that begins to even scratch the surface of my point here. The pangs this brings me, has nothing to do with the pain I feel. I've become more empathetic and sensitive towards others through my own pain. It has had a tremendous affect on making me the person I am, and there is help for sufferers. There is medicine. There is hope.

What pangs me the most of this disease, is my reflection of Christ.

Too many times has "Look at my life, look at this pain, look at my unhappiness, sadness and discontent, this torture. I'm not the happy all day every day person. If this is my life with Christ, who would want this?! I am the worst spokesperson for Jesus" crossed my mind.

And yes, I've come to terms that this is a life long battle. Just as diabetes is with some. Just as asthma is with others. I will take measures to control it as best I can, whether that's medicine God has gifted someone with the knowledge to invent or therapy through someone given the ability to help others in that way.

What I do know, is that I'm not weak. I'm not a wallflower. I'm not a negative, sad person. Through every bit of sadness God has brought me through, He has made me strong, I've had hope in Him. I hope that's what people see. I hope people see perseverance I have not on my own accord attained. Mostly I hope that people see Christ in how He has helped me, not a lack of Christ in my weakness.  That they look to Jesus for the story of Christianity and not broken human beings.

Mostly, I wish humans would stop thinking there is one default type of human being and we are all the same. We are all different in our own special way, with our own hurts, our own problems. Not a single one is perfect. The quicker the world starts to realize that, the quicker we will start to live in harmony with one another.

I have no idea the point of this. Just a vent, a release of thoughts that have been stirring in my mind. Thanks for reading if you got this far. :)

Jeremy Camp & Gangsta Rap Remix

...yeah, doesn't sound good to me either.
A lesson on noisy distractions

The weather has finally started to warm up and I am SO excited about that! Excited for windows down, music bumpin', drivin' down the road feelin' that good 'ole fresh air on my face!

So naturally, that's what I did last night. I went to Walgreen's to pick up this adorable picture I had printed of my first niece! I'm such a proud aunt!


 

Isn't she adorable!? Such a thinker already! I want to squish her cheeks now!!

 



 Now, where was I?
 
Oh yes, windows down, K-Love bumpin' on the stereo system, wind on my face.... I pull up to a red light and bring my car to a stop. A few seconds later, my car starts to shake!
Is it from an earthquake?
No.
Is a tornado coming?
No.
Is the Hulk shaking my car?!
No.
Is the girl who stopped next to me bumpin' her gangsta rap 20 times louder than I am bumpin' my Jesus tunes?
YES.

Jeremy Camp's "Walk by Faith" had just started to play on my radio, when I totally checked out. I started listening to this deafening music coming from the speaker's of the car next to me. I don't even know if I should call it music. It was NOISE. LOUD NOISE. I can be the nosy type, and I was  trying to listen to the lyrics of the song this girl was playing, trying to get a feel for what she was listening to. Trying to figure out what she hears in this music that makes it worth listening to. What emotions does this strike up for her? As my ear leaned closer to "the noise" my ear drew further away from "Walk by Faith". The louder the noise, the softer more distant "Walk by Faith" became.  I tried to focus back on "Walk by Faith" yet I still heard "the noise".  I tried to focus on both at the same time, that was impossible. Both of them mixed together, sounded like a jumbled up mess! If there is a word for a notch above noise....that's what that sounded like!

It was:

babble, bewailing,

boisterousness, clamor,

 clang, discord,

disquiet, fuss,

 jangle, tumult, turbulence.

(props to thesaurus.com)

 

IT WAS A HOT MESS.

 

And then ...in an instant....with "noise girl" still next to me...it was as if the whole world suddenly got quiet, not a decibel of sound to be heard, that really special place, where God speaks to you so softly.

 

That happened. My lesson happened. It clicked.

 

 

How often in our lives, do we let ourselves get distracted by "noise". How often, do we let "noise" pull our attention away from God? How often do we give our full attention to "noise" and miss out on what God has for us in that moment? How often do we try to make "noise" and "Walk by Faith" work together in perfect harmony, when we know it is just a hot mess?

 

The world we live in today is full of noise and it can be almost impossible to avoid sometimes. We have the noise of the media, calling girls to be a size 0 and be flawless to be considered beautiful. Leaving us to feel not good enough and unworthy. The noise of money and wealth as a measurement of success in our lives. The noise of a busy schedule distracting us from spending quality time with the Lord.

 

I've been completely distracted by noise the past few weeks. So distracted to where I just mentally gave up.

No desire to pray.

 No desire to talk to God.

 No desire to read the Bible.

So I didn't do any of them.

 

 I was zoned in and focused on the base bumpin' noise comin' out of a shaky car. (Really though, it's amazing I was actually listening to K-Love yesterday) I was focused on the laundry list of everything going wrong in my life. Focused on the stress. On the  to-do lists. Focused on past hurts. Focused on mean people. So focused on things that don't matter, I lost focus of the things that do.

 

This was my wake up call.

 

It's inevitable that this will happen. We are human and aren't perfect. Life is hard, we were promised that. Distractions and noise will definitely come. It's my prayer for you and for me that  in the moments we get distracted by "the noise", we are able to recognize them, have friends to gently keep us accountable and pray for us when we can't even pray for ourselves, and quickly turn our focus back to the truths of God. To also, not attempt to live in harmony with noise, to not be a lukewarm Christian. To love God with your whole heart, mind and soul (Luke 10:27). You'll never know what you might miss out on. Is it coincidental that I missed out on these specific lyrics, missed out on what I needed, missed out on what God was trying to tell me, when I was distracted by "the noise"....

 



 Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

 

Nope. God's not coincidental, he is planned and deliberate.

"Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand" Psalm 37:24

In what ways have you been distracted by noise? What helps you to refocus on God's truth?

Best Valentine's Day Ever.

Even without a boyfriend...

I did not have a Valentine this Valentine's Day. I did not have a boyfriend. Someone to give a special gift to. Someone to go to dinner with. Someone to celebrate the holiday with. To receive flowers from (although, there was the call from the security desk while I was at work, telling me I had a package to pick up....they called the wrong person -- that's neither here nor there)

So by any normal set of female standards, my reaction to the impeding holiday should have been this:
 

 

 

or this...

 

or this...

 

 

And maybe any other Valentine's Day from spent without a "special someone" I might have felt like this. This year however was much different and this is how I truly felt:

 

 

Because I have had plenty of awkward Valentine's Days. I've spent the holiday going out to dinner, having received a gift, a silly card, maybe some candy and in return given a gift (that I spent hours worrying about). It was just going through the motions. Fulfilling an obligation to celebrate the day that our society has placed on us. Was there love? No. Just pure awkwardness. (says a lot about my previous dating choices) It was not lovey dovey perfection like that of which Hallmark markets with their greeting cards. They should add a disclaimer: LOVEY DOVEYNESS NOT INCLUDED

 

This Valentine's day however was different. It was full of LOVE. Isn't that what it's about? LOVE. Love can not be boxed into "a boyfriend/girlfriend". You can't associate LOVE solely on a boyfriend-girlfriend-spouse. Love comes from all sorts of different places!! This year, I recognized that and soaked every ounce of it up.

 

I recognized it when I woke up in the morning. Looking outside at creation and knowing the God who created the heavens and the earth loves ME more than anything. Knowing I always have that deep love was enough to get me through the day. It's always enough.

 

I recognized love when I went to have lunch with my Little at her school, and was blown away by classroom of 5th graders. Surrounded by their sweet innocence. She and her classmates made me feel more welcome than anyone my age ever has. They made me laugh, they gave me Valentine candy, they performed African dance for me,  they all hugged me when I left. These kids, made me feel so special and loved.

My Little did NOT want to take a picture! haha

Breakfast for lunch on a school tray!

All the candy I got from the sweethearts!

 

I recognized love when talking to friends throughout the day. Their love is so overwhelmingly beautiful. I couldn't ask for better friends. God has truly blessed me.

 

I was brought to tears when I opened my front door to leave and the most beautiful, vibrant, colorful, breathtaking, skyfilling sunset hit me in the face. It was as if God, instead of placing a dozen red roses on my doorstep, threw that up special just for me at that very moment.

 



This picture does not do the sunset justice at all.

At the end of the day, I hesitantly walked into Panera ALONE (fearing people would judge the single girl grabbing takeout). I came home, and as I sat --- alone --- eating my taking takeout --- with only the sounds of the movie playing on TV, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

 

There I was more alone on Valentine's Day than ever before, yet filled with more Love on Valentine's Day than any other Valentine's Day before.

 

I fell asleep so blessed, so thankful for all the love in my life. Love I know some people never experience. 

 

And dear husband, don't you worry, my heart is so filled with love for you right now. You crossed my mind so much on this day. Not in a sad way, but in an exciting way! I love you so much already, and I can't wait for one day to celebrate our love together on this day and many more!

 

Love you guys!!!

Surprises for All!

A lesson on choosing God's way and not our own way.

Not too long ago I had a couple of visitors come to see me in VA. I love to surprise people, so naturally I had set up several surprises.  As well as surprising people, I tend to be an overly scheduled and organized trip planner. I had everything set, a backstage walk through of the acquarium, a birthday stay in a 4-star hotel in the middle of Washington D.C, horseback riding. Of course, in planning, I had to work around the availability of all the surprises. Luckily, I had everything worked out and was SUPER thrilled to get to share these fun things with my guests!

Until.....

(INSERT DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE)

Plans changed.  My visitor's changed the day they wanted to go to DC from the scheduled day to an alternate day. I understand the intent of their change. There was a marathon in DC the day they wanted to go, and one of my guest's dad was running in the marathon. They had hopes, regardless of anything I said, that their dad would have time to say hello.

They were completely adamant about going to DC on this alternate day. And for purposes of my point, they were choosing their own way.

So knowing, this week was all about them, I obliged to the day they wanted knowing all plans would have to be changed.

By going on the day they chose, we basically were not able to experience any of the surprises I had planned due to the different venue's schedules. (Yes, to no avail I did try to reschedule and make things work) Nor were they able to meet up with the dad like they had imagined due to his tight schedule.

It didn't dawn on me until a few weeks later. I was replaying the events of the whole week. Bummed that I didn't get to surprise them. Then it clicked. It made me think of God's relationship with us. God has amazing things beyond our imagination planned for us if we choose His way. It's when we venture off onto our own path, that we head down a path of destruction, out of God's will, and out of the many blessings and surprises He has for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

 -Jeremiah 29:11

 

I don't say all this to say that their trip was a wash. We still found things to do and had a good time during their visit. However, little will they ever know, about the more grand plans that were set before them.

Thank You

A lesson on the Small Things

I'm 26. In my 26 years of life, I have been so blessed to have experienced real life angels as I like to call them. Strangers doing things they might find ordinary, but to me they were extraordinary--the presence of God. I've been thinking of several of these people the past few months. I can vividly picture every single one of them. Where I was when I encountered them. I wish I could somehow reach out to them, tell them Thank You for being a bright spot in my dark times.
I have no idea who some of these people are.
No idea where life has taken them.
For someone who likes to show her appreciation and thanks, it pangs me I cannot do so for these individuals.

So I dedicate this blog to these angels. These people who are still able to warm my heart to this day. I wish I could remember all of them. I pray that I allow God to use me in the way He has used these people, and to never hesitate to lift someone up or kneel down to someone in need. Take that extra second to care for my neighbors.

Here are some of the amazing strangers that have entered my life and the stories behind them:

Falls Creek, 2005ish

This particular year I had gone to Falls Creek (A Christian summer camp in the boondocks of Oklahoma) as a sponsor. Things at home weren't that great. I was having a hard time dealing with a lot of hurt, pain, loneliness, feelings of being inadequate, and not loved. Most importantly I felt very alone. After the evening worship service we had some free time before we had to be in the cabin. By this time the stars had come out and it was pretty dark most everywhere. I decided to go sit on a ledge near the outdoor tabernacle. I just wanted to be alone. I was exhausted from putting on my happy face in front of every. I needed to silently disappear for a second. So I did. I sat there on a wooden ledge of some sort. A ledge that would prohibit people from falling down the side of the mountain. I looked out at the stars. The trees. The rolling hills in the distance. Feeling SO. ALONE. The pit in my stomach unbearable. I noticed a group of kids not far from me, laughing having a good time. I looked over -envious-, then continued to look into the vast glory of nature in front of me.

A short while went by. All of a sudden I noticed a shadow coming towards me. This young man just plopped down right beside me like he was my best friend. With such confidence he didn't feel like he needed to ask if he was interrupting or introduce himseld he simplu blurted out "What are you lookin' at?"...so we small talked for a moment. I don't remember how we got to the next point(I think he might have asked if I was okay or something)....but, before I know it I'm spilling my life to him and crying like a big baby.

Before I know it,  this stranger kid, who left his laughing friends, lifted his hand ever so gently and wiped the tears falling down my face with his own hand. LIKE IN A MOVIE!? No one before, and no one since has done so. He sat there with me, in silence until I was ok. Composed. Not sobbing. For a moment, I didn't feel so alone. He muttered something encouraging then gave me a hug and went back with his friends.

My mind was blown. That single moment in my life has remained with me, and out of all the strangers in my life, he would be the one my thanks goes out to the most.

I needed that more than air at that moment in my life.  Thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I can only pray that he continues to use his gift of empathy with others in his life.

Dusty's Jewlery Store, Sometime during college

At around the same point in life dealing with the same struggles I found myself in Dusty's. Dusty's is a girl's best friend. A store full of cheap jewelry from wall to wall in every color and style. I had gone in to just browse. As I was looking at a wall of earrings I noticed a little girl, around age 4-5, and her grandmother walk in. The grandmother greeted some of her friends, and said to the little girl "Are you going to give so-n-so a hug?" this beautiful little girl got a huge smile on her face and hugged her grandmother's friends. This all took place around 20 feet from me. I glanced over gave an "Oh that was cute" smirk, and continued to browse.  In my lil depressed head of mine I thought to myself  "I could really use a hug right now too". Almost instantaneously, this little girl who I've never seen in my life for no reason what so ever RUNS to me while exclaiming to her Grandmother "I'm gonna hug her too!". She wrapped her arms so tight around my legs and gave me the best hug ever!

I needed that hug. I needed that hug more than anything in that moment. I wish that I could tell her that. I wish that I could tell her God used her in a big way that day! I pray that she never feels the pain that I felt which she helped to soothe.

I have so many more people to thank, my camp counselor at Centrifuge who told me I was beautiful and was so nice and genuine towards me, the "regular" at Atlanta Bread Company where I worked in college who gave me $20 bucks before he moved to Alaska for work and told me to have a nice dinner and that he appreciated me, the little girl who randomly came up to me at a park one day and asked me if I was ok, and all the others I can't think of right now.

 Thank You.

I'll never forget you.

I hope I can make an impact on stranger's lives like you have made on mine.

You are never helpless to others

....You can always Pray
A lesson on helping others in situtations when you tangibly can't

I have a horrid, wretched condition. I want to help EVERYONE. I want to make their sadness go away. I want to dissolve their pain. I want help. I want to serve.

Sometimes, due to situations completely out of our control, this is absolutely impossible to do. It's in times like these my heart breaks and it make me so angry. I fell so utterly helpless, useless, defeated and in a heart that is satisfied by helping others, this feeling is the worst.

This past week I found myself in this exact situation.

I was on a flight from Alexandria, LA (Shoutout to the best friend Shira! We had a blast and a half!). The flight would land in Dallas where everyone would head in numerous directions to catch their connections to places all over the world. Our flight left Alexandria a few minutes later than expected which created an issue for those that had minimal flight layovers to begin with.

Upon landing in Dallas, I start to hear the cries of worry from the affected passengers

"I've got 20 minutes..."

"I only have 10 minutes"

"My flight is boarding right now!"

The plane wasn't even pulled up to the terminal all the way yet. We still had to unload! Oh how I wish that I could have stopped time to allow all of these passengers to get to their connecting flights. That, however, was not a possibility.

In my urge to want to help, and not being able to, my anxiety started to grow. I was trying to think of SOMETHING, ANTYHING I could do to help! I started looking on my American Airline app for the destinations I was hearing - Las Vegas - Los Angeles - Others I can't remember. I was hoping to find delays so I could tell these people and their minds would rest and be at ease.

Everything, of course, was running perfectly on time.

I was at a loss. As we started to deboard the plane, I sat in my chair, defeated, and let those that needed to quickly get to their connecting terminal go before me. It was the least I could do.

As they got off the plane I was not too far behind them. I could see them, as soon as they got out of the tight confines of the airplane, they grasped their belongings tight and started to run. My heart still hurting....a soft whisper came across my heart...

Pray....
When you can do nothing else... you can always...
Pray....

So I did. I prayed that they would make their connections, and if not that they would reach their dstinations in ample time for whatever their purpose was for traveling there.

And peace came.

I'll never know the outcome. Whether they made it or not.

But what I do know, is that although some things are out of our control, disease, suffering, job loss, whatever it might be, there is ehelpful tool that is never out of our reach. That's praying. Asking our God to intervene on our behalfs.

And in my opinion, that's probably the most helpful tool anyway.