Disney and Death both start with a D. {STILL CONSTRUCTING}

A lesson on not fearing the "D" word.

Death.


I think about it a lot. I don’t openly express these thoughts to others, so I don’t know if it’s abnormal or not since I don’t get feedback.

I think about how it might happen. Dying that is. I’m paranoid it will happen soon. I visualize the semi-truck in traffic next to me exploding and how it will feel. I wonder if it will hurt. I wonder if I’ll be aware. I’m scared of the inevitable. It’s not something I can escape. But it’s hard to face. The unknown of when and how. And what exactly will happen on that day.

Death saddens me. Scares me. It shouldn’t. I know that I get to go home and be with my Heavenly Daddy. That in itself should put my mind at ease.

But. Nonetheless, it does not.

I think in analogies. I comprehend in analogies. Things take a new perspective and make sense in analogies. So naturally I sat down and tried to create an analogy of death and heaven. Something to make it make more sense, to make me feel at peace with the idea of death and heaven. This is what I came up with, well, what I’m sure the Lord placed in my head to comfort me.

When I first think about death, I think about Heaven. My feeble human mind can’t wrap my mind around it. A perfect place that you wouldn’t want to leave?! That you aren’t scared to enter even though you’ve never been there and you don’t know what to expect? Is there such a place? Surely everyplace gets old and boring after a while? There is no place I would want to stay forever. Surely there is anxiety walking into anything of the unknown.

I sat and pondered. What is my most FAVORITE place in the world?! That was easy. DISNEY WORLD!!!!

The Oh So Magical place. Where dreams, literally…mine did, come true. The place where you are the star, where sadness doesn’t live. Where you feel like you've left the earth and entered in some other dimension of the universe where nothing bad exists. A place where all your troubles go away and the time you are inside all is right in the world. The front door to Disney is the Exit door of reality…wow, I just came up with that, I like it! :P

I thought back to the first time I ever went to Disney. I was 8 years old, and I stepped into the Magic Kingdom for the first time. I wasn’t scared, I was in awe. I was so amazed by the colors of people’s uniforms. The colors of the buildings. The magical music playing over the speakers. The smells of all kinds of delicious foods. The sounds of laughter and joy. Feeling so welcome by the cast members. It was perfect.

And so. I think that’s how heaven will be. I won’t be scared, I will be in awe. I will be so amazed by the colors of people’s uniforms. The colors of the buildings. The heavenly music playing over the speakers. The smells of all kinds of delicious foods. The sounds of laughter and joy. Feeling so welcome by the love of my life, my Jesus.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:38 NLT



If only I had checked my email!

A lesson on Endurance.

Recently I was taught a lesson. THE HARD WAY. This is by far the worst possible way to learn a lesson. But alas, the point is made.

Many of you might be familiar with the show Saturday Night Live. It is filmed in NY and I've always wanted to go to a taping, sit in the audience, the whole shebang. Well if you don't know anything about getting a ticket let me give you the rundown. There are two different ways.

1. Wait in the standby line at the butt crack of dawn

(And by butt crack I mean 4:30a.m).

In the freezing cold. For hours. Until you think you are going to die from frostbite.

(Because it's ALWAYS cold in NY especially in January!)

Get a standby ticket. Return that evening. Wait in line even longer.  Hope ticket holders don't show up and you get to go in the show!!!

This option I've tried.

However. This story ends sadly. We returned that evening and did not get to see the show. However our numbers (30,31,32) weren't that bad compared to the HUNDREDS of people there.

I WON'T MENTION THE FACT THAT I MISSED MICHAEL BUBLE!

Then there is the other way:

2. Every August NBC Studios opens their lottery for SNL tickets. You email them your contact information and you are put into the lottery for tickets. You will only hear from them if you are selected to receive tickets. You are in the running to get tickets until the next August when the lottery starts over. 

So of course August rolls by and I submit my information! Month after month I check my email. Hoping that I would see an email from NBC telling me I had SNL tickets waiting for me!

Well it never happened. And I sort of gave up on the process. I thought surely I won't get tickets. My information probably got transposed. Every negative thought entered my mind. The email address I submitted was an email address I don't frequently use...and so I stopped checking it.

About a week ago something led me to check this certain email address. And lo and behold I see this!!!

I START FREAKING OUT!!! NO WAY COULD IT BE!! I GOT TICKETS OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!

I think..."When is April 9!!! How much time do I have!!! That's this weekend!!...wait...it's May...April was last month"

TOTAL FAIL.

I wish I could say that this story ended differently. That I continued to be hopeful for tickets, was checking my email every day until August. That I got tickets went to the show and it was amazing.

But it's not. Instead it's a story about how I gave up and missed out on something great. How many times in life do we give up on things, and miss out something great? In this circumstance, I saw what I missed out on. But I think, sometimes, when we give up, when we grow weary of running the race, we miss out on amazing things, sometimes never knowing what we even missed out on.



I have a big problem with giving up. I have a very low self esteem and pessimistic attitude sometimes. But God is helping me through that. And through this situation He has showed me to never ever ever ever give up. Because you could miss out on the wonderful things He has planned for you.

Darn. I should have kept checking my email!



In starbucks at 8 am. Warming up after getting our standby tickets.





Jon, Me and Mark. Buddies from work. We all braved the cold together! Jon hadn't even slept because he was out partying all night.







Remembering the Falls Creek Moment I remember every year at Easter.

A lesson on GRACE.

(I typed this on Friday, but am just now on Easter getting around to editing and posting. Thank you busy life)

On Good Friday I am reminded of the Sacrifice. The execution of a perfect man who did nothing wrong. Who was beat, mocked, laughed at. All so he could pay for everything I have done and will do wrong, so one day I will be made perfect in God’s eyes and therefore can be with Him eternally.

As a young adult it’s hard for me to grasp the concept of offering up your only son for the sins of the world. Partly because I don’t have one. To understand the idea of someone innocent taking the blame for you. Being shown grace. I understand what happened on the cross and why, but I don’t feel it.

 

Well I didn’t feel it.

It was a few years ago when I was dealing with lack of understanding in a lot of areas. I prayed that God would show me, help me to understand Grace, Love, and Mercy. It was in this time that the most incredible things happened and it all clicked for me. (Love and Mercy are another blog in themselves)



It was the summer of 2007 I believe. The youth group was making its yearly summer trek to Falls Creek in Davis, OK. The most amazing church camp ever. Settled in the middle of nowhere, where cellphone service is almost impossible. Surrounded by nothing but God’s beautiful creation. With an outdoor tabernacle to ensure you don’t escape the hot Oklahoma sun. I’d been to Falls Creek many times as a camper, but this was my first year as a sponsor.



Picture of the Devil's Bathtub I found online.
I don't know these people.



One of the most incredible beutiful places on the Falls Creek campus is the “Devils Bathtub”. The Devil’s Bathtub, is a natural spring nestled in the remote area of camp. It’s quite an adventure to even get there. Going down steep hills, walking along the forested path, pass the tree covered in years upon years of campers’ gum. But once you reach it. It is well worth it. The slippery rocks, the water you get to splash in.



There was a young camper named Katie. This was her first trip to Falls Creek, and she would have to leave early to go to cheercamp. I had told her about the Devil’s Bathtub and that before she left she HAD to go see it. I told her I would accompany her if she wanted.

The day before she was to leave she asked me if I would go with her. We corralled some other campers to go with us and started the journey in the blazing heat. Once we got there we splashed around and enjoyed the view.



We had taken our shoes off because the rocks were SO slippery. We had to be super careful. As we started to leave we were walking over the last few rocks. I was letting all the campers pass me to ensure that they all got across safely. Katie was the last camper to cross. I looked back at the Bathtub for one last look.

Then I looked back forward.



Just in enough time to see Katie fall. And scream the most hallowing scream I’ve ever heard.



I quickly bent down to her to make sure she was okay, and to help her up, when I noticed something quite strange. Something quite out of place.

Katie’s leg bone had poped out of the knee socket and was protruding out. There was no flesh wound, but her leg was very much distorted.



Something came about me that I didn’t even know I had in me. I went into this mother mode. I instructed one kid to not walk but RUN (yah, given the terrain that probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do) to the medical building. I instructed the others to run to the cabin to tell the other adults. Then I started yelling at the Devil’s Bathtub Life Guard guy holding the radio, asking him why he was staring at us in disbelief instead of using his radio to call for help.



It was as if the whole world stood still. All the splashing, the laughter, the campers playing came to a halt and everyone’s attention was focused on this beautiful little girl with a contorted leg laying on wet rocks. I had her head cradled in my lap trying to make her as comfortable as possible.



As I kept talking to her and trying to keep her mind focused on something else, she was just crying, and screaming that it hurt so bad. I told her to squeeze my hand, and it must have hurt so bad she had no strength to even do that. So as I caressed her head hoping to give her some sort of comfort I started to sing to her the first thing that popped in my mind “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are graaay….” I couldn’t remember the rest, so Katie helped me remember and I even got a giggle out of her.

To this day, and I’m sure until the day I die, that song reminds me of her and that moment.



I was able to hold my compsure and be strong for Katie, until what seemed like forever… I finally heard the sirens of the ambulance coming down the mountainous terrain, and the rest of the adult sponsors racing towards us.

It wasn’t until everyone was huddled around us tending to Katie, her head still rested on my lap, that I had to turn my head as my strength broke and I started crying. I didn’t want her to see me cry, I wanted to be strong for her.



I was crying because I didn’t want her to hurt. I knew she needed to leave for cheercamp, and now she wouldn’t be able to. I felt like I should have gone in front of her and slipped on that rock. I should be the one on the ground in excruciating pain. It should have been me.

But it wasn’t.

God showed me that I was supposed to be on that cross. But I wasn’t.

I totally grasp and felt deep within my soul the sacrifice of Jesus. Jesus enduring the hurt, the pain for us. Of someone, a perfect person, receiving pain, torture, that they didn't deserve, that they took for me.



They finally stabilized Katie and put her on the stretcher to take her away. Freeing my lap and I from our duties as a pillow. I watched the ambulance speed away and broke again. Glad to be surrounded by my church family.



Everytime I think of the crucifixion, at Easter, when I see a picture of the cross, I think of Katie and remember of the ultimate sacrifice. I’m able to put it in a better perspective. To truly grasp what happened on that day so many years ago. To really feel it deep inside. To receive the Grace, and feel so truly thankful for it.

I know Katie, didn’t intentionally go out of her way to slip on the rock so I wouldn’t. However, this unfortunate accident showed me something, and taught me something that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Polly, Katie & Me inside the Tabernacle





...to give you a future and a hope.

A lesson on HOPE.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

This verse has been there to lift my spirits so many times in life. In those times when I feel like I was going no where, when things I desired would never materialize. It reminded me that I'm in God's hands and He has a plan...a great and marvelous one at that! Hope. You can internalize it and know what it means. But when I sat here and tried to think of how to put Hope into words...I couldn't.

So...I headed over to Dictionary.com! Who offered up a beautiful definition:


n. 1.The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

So you wonder...where's the lesson? What did God show you?

Recently, after this breakup of mine (which I should have gotten over a long time ago! Ridiculous on my part...but that's neither here nor there) I started questioning if I really was worth loving. If I was good enough for anyone. (I know, silly again, I'm more than good enough...especially for Jesus! I'm perfect to Him and that's the only Man that really matters.) I have this image of this man whom I dearly love already. This man who I will spend the rest of my life with. However, sometimes I think it's just a blended version of fairytale princes from all the stories I've read, movies I've seen in my life, and this image is merely that...just a figment of my imagination. I truly lost hope for any decent guys being left in the world (no offense to you good guys).

UNTIL!!! ENTER GOD

Last weekend some friends wanted to hang out. Dinner and Bowling, sounds fun to me! The group turned out to be only 2 other guys and myself. One of the guys couldn't make it to dinner, but was going to meet us at the bowling alley. The remaining guy first made sure that I would be comfortable with just me and him at dinner and that it wouldn't be awkward for me. Which of course is cool. Much like the brotherly type. No worries.

After he let me choose where we were going to eat, Plaza Azteca!!! YUM!, he swang by and picked me up at my apartment. When we walked from the car to the restaurant, he didn't walk in front of me like he was better than me and made me run to catch up, or behind me like he didn't want to be seen with me. But right alongside me. Even the little things matter!!! He opened the door to the restaurant, when the waitress seated us he allowed me to walk first and followed after. He prayed for our meal, and that we would have good conversation. Which we did, getting to know you banter back and forth. Quite pleasant. After we paid., we walked back to the car and he opened the car door for me. THE CAR DOOR!!!! I can't remember the last time that happened. And he was simply doing this because he is a gentleman. Let me make it clear, that this was not a date in the slightest! We got to the bowling alley and met our other friend there, bowled a few games and had an absolute BLAST! After bowling and dropping our friend off we headed back to my apartment to drop me off. By now it was 9:30 and we were both pretty awake and wired. I didn't know of anything else to do. He even says, "You know I'm not trying to make you go home" haha. Again, I hadn't a clue what else to do. We pass by a Starbucks and he says "Do you drink coffee??" PAH Do I drink coffee!? PSHYA! So we decided to go to starbucks, grab a coffee, and just sit and chit chat. It was the most pleasant easy going conversation,sitting in the comfy chair of starbucks sipping coffee. When we left he again opened my car door for me, as he did everytime I got in the car. And drove me home.

So ended the best non-date ever.

That night, God showed me, that there are Godly men in this world. Respectable men, men who will treat a lady like a lady because it's the right thing to do. Not because they want something in return. Gentlemen. Gentlemen worth loving. Gentlemen worth marrying. And never will I settle for less again.

I'm so glad He reminded me, because I had almost given up hope. I rest in God's hope that the Husband I want will be had and it will turn out for the best. :)

(And I really hope if the guy this is about ever reads this, he doesn't think it's awkward!!! I APPRECIATE YOU! Thank you-I really needed that night and to be treated so nicely)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - EDIT- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I don't really know if I've learned a lesson. The lesson is still in the process of being learned.
But I do know, I just needed to voice..something..I don't know what.

I wrote this post many many months ago. About a guy in my church community group. Who I didn't really have eyes towards, because why would I have eyes towards someone that would probably not be interested in me?----Then the feelings started coming anyway. After hour long coffee shop talks, games of UNO, conversations in theater parking lots until all the employees left. I was starting to see this person in a whole new light. Until one night a conversation that I didn't think would ever happen...the "I 'm interested in you" conversation....which, minus all the details inbetween eventually after getting to know each other on a different level, prayer, and seeking scripture...he became "My boyfriend".

Then within the past couple days, just a couple shorts months later....he became "My ex-boyfriend"...not because of some horrible incident, or some huge indifference in our personalities, or me realizing he is someone different than I thought. I don't know.

Whatever it was. It was all me. My choice.

But I do know, I prayed about it, I sought scripture. It's what the Lord had me to do. I don't understand, why 2 months ago it was a different story. I thought the Lord was unchanging? Unless of course I'm supposed to be learning something through all this....which I am not. Or it has yet to be revealed.

I do know that he is one of the most incredible men I've met, completely selfless, a true gentleman, and I miss being withalready....but have to rest in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, they are plans for good and not for disasted, to give you a future and a hope.

God knows what you want more than you do.

A lesson in Surrendering.

Okay. I don't know if "surrender" is the right work exactly. So if you have a better word feel free to suggest, replace, whatever. But what I mean by surrender is to let go, to give up, to release any worry about it...to God. Because in any situation in life, whether it be a job, an outfit, a major decision, God always knows what you want (and is good for you!) more than you do. Crazy thought right? I mean as humans we think, we are our self, we are inside our own head, we know ourselves better than anyone else. Which is true....except the God that created you knows you a bit more.

I was reminded of this while driving in my car today. That God will always provide. That He will always exceed your expectations. That He knows what you want more than you do.

You see a little more than a year ago I had a car. A 2008 Red 4 door Oldsmobile Alero. It was a GREAT car!! It was paid off, it never gave me any trouble, it had enough room to give people rides. I loved it.

Until one day...dun dun duuuuun. The engine blew. (I'm sure due to my lack of oil maintenance, but that's neither here nor there.) I soon found myself car less. Walking everywhere. In blizzards. This in itself has many stories to tell and I will enlighten you if you so choose...just ask. :)

However, my point of the story is me looking for a new car.

I had a budget. I had certain things in mind that I HAD TO HAVE. Such as a sunroof/moonroof, two door, automatic windows/locks. That was really about it. But let me teeeeeeeeeell you! It was difficult to find! I found some that met all of my criteria, but they were too expensive, didn't drive well, just not THE one.

Until I stumbled upon a car on the Internet one day. It happened to be at a car dealership I had dealt with before so I called them up to see if I could test drive it. The car was SO new, the car dealer wasn't even aware they had it! I went down to the dealership the next day and walked away being the owner of a new car!

But that is all details. Let me tell you about my car! My car is a 2008 Red Pontiac G5. It's red. I wasn't too hot about the color at first, but I've grown to LOVE it (because obviously God knew I would). It has all of the things I wanted, a sunroof, 2door, automatic locks. But it also has some features I didn't even know existed but that I LOVE. For instance, there are these hideous plastic panels on the front of the window. I wasn't too hot about these either until I knew their purpose. (You see I LOVE driving with my windows down. I'm most definitely a windows down even when it's snowing-Just turn the heat up! Kinda girl) Well everyone knows you can't drive for too long on the highway with your windows down because the wind starts to hit you in the face. Well these ugly plastic things actually deflect the wind!! It's so perfect for me! I've also got an automatic starter so I can start my car from inside the apartment when it's cold out and it will be nice and toasty by the time I need to leave...without having to step out into the frigid cold! It also has a neat digital display...THAT TELLS ME WHEN TO CHANGE MY OIL!! And the temperature outside, amongst other things.

So my point here is that. Had I picked out a car it would not have had all these features that I have grown to love. I remember having gotten so frustrated because I COULD NOT find a car. I prayed about it and finally said here God YOU do it! And within that week is when I saw the car online.

How easily we forget how God has exceeded our expectations, we always want to be in control. But today sitting in my car I was reminded of how much more fulfilling and satisfying life will/can be if we put God in control.

This was super long. I hope it makes sense. Gold Star for you if you got this far!! :D

Love is EVERYWHERE

A lesson on Love II

Love is in the forest.

Love is everywhere.                   You just have to look hard enough.

Compassionately Caring

A lesson on Caring.


 "How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?  Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye."  Matthew 7:4-5 NLT

This verse is often mentioned when a someone is talking about more specifically about sin in your own life. Like if I was an alcoholic, I don't need to be getting on to someone with an alcohol problem or trying to help them through it. However, in recent days this verse has been the frosting to my most recent life lesson cake...

In the past few months I’ve been shown how it can hold true in another aspect of life. Caring. And needing to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

This lesson has been most evident this past week.

For almost the past year I’ve been going through a bit of a mess myself. Pushing everyone away, falling into a pit of despair, thinking life was useless and wanting it to end. I didn’t care about anyone. The only thoughts on my mind were negative self-imposed thoughts. Yet…I still genuinely wanted to care about others, but didn’t understand why I couldn’t (which frustrated me even more!). It was about as fun as a root canal without anesthetics…not that I’ve had one and know. I’ve just heard.

The past couple months I’ve gotten help and gotten myself straightened out. I’m finally back to feeling like myself again. I'm happy, hopeful, and feel like I can take anything that comes my way. And this weekend I had an epiphany. There were a few individuals in my life who were genuinely on my mind all weekend, and I was genuinely concerned about their problems or things they were going through. I CARED! I REALLY CARED, REMEMBERED, AND THOUGHT OF THEM!!

It was so nice to have someone else on my mind insteead of attending the pity party in my head. (Yeah, it’s a party….but there definitely isn’t cake and ice cream!!)

It might not seem like a big deal, but it was a HUGE deal to me!

Then it dawned on me. {Insert Cheesy Music} The fact that I’ve been able to care lately is because I’ve taken care of myself. And I think that is so important. Just like the Word says. How can you help someone pull the speck out of their eye and care about them, when you are blinded by the huge log in your own eye?! You wouldn’t even be able to see it!!!

Even on airplanes, although it has never made sense to me and seems selfish, the flight attendants always instruct you in case of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before placing it on small children.

You have to take care of yourself. Before you can take care of others.

I’ve learned that even though I didn’t think I was capable, I am fully capable of caring, but I always have to make sure that I’m taken care of first.

Love is nothing less than Lovely!

A lesson on LOVE.

A constant thought on my mind. In more ways than just the 'puppy love' you have for a boyfriend. Parental love. Sibling Love. Love for friends. Love from animals. Love for the unlovable. For the underdogs. Giving love. Receiving love. It's such a BROAD BROAD topic.

But of course...when people think of love they immediately think of love for a partner, that special someone, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband, a wife, a crush, a Justin Bieber (I LOVE HIM!...no. Really. It's true Love!)

Love isn't guaranteed by all means. I definitely was not given the Love Punch card when I was born promising me perfect love from 10 people of my choice. And the other side of love is one of the most ugly things (in my opinion) a human can face. Heartbreak. The loss of Love.

Having my heart recently shattered (Disclaimer: I don't think it was love per say...but you get the idea). I understand. The hurt. The pain. (But there is a flip side! Losing 5-10 lbs because you can't eat! YES!!)

But this heartache. This loss of love rekindled a love that will burn much brighter than any love I will have the rest of my life. And for that I am thankful for my heartache.

You see, when I was born I DID get a Love Punch card! As did every other human being. A punch card that says if you decide to get this card punched you will receive the most amazing Love for the rest of your life and eternity. A love that surpasses all understanding. A Love that is Patient, Kind, Forgiving, Not Jealous or Proud. A Love that doesn't demand it's own way. Doesn't anger. Endures through every circumstance. (1Corinthians 13) A Love that no matter what you do will ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS take you back. That is always there and will never leave you.

And I am SO in LOVE with that Love of my Savior Jesus.
The love that came for me, suffered and died for me because He couldn't bear the thought of living without me. My heart breaks for the people that don't get it. Whose hearts are so closed to the idea.

In the midst of heartache, I'm so in love and on cloud 9. That's my Jesus. I got my card punched. It's good to know that forever and always I'll never be without Love. That I can always come back Home. That my mistakes are covered by his Love. That this Love will never change. That this Love is enough. (Good to Know- Francesca Battestelli)

Not just puppy Love, but Perfect Love.  And that is beautiful. ♥